passed out at like 8 p.m. last night. fuck saturday nights. who needs em when you have stomach sickness and bed? hahaha. anyway, im watching the news and it's making me want to stab myself. chaaaaanging the channellllll. finding out slowly that my life is NOT the most horrible thing ever. I love my friends, im glad they can be there for me when i need it most. My family, even more amazing, not enough words to describe how awesome they are. The trip to Toledo made me wake up a lot. I pretty much am doing a 180. I just need to get myself a new job or get my old job back. I could care less. i just need to make that money.

biatch! feelin' good now though. hopefully there is something cool to do today. maybe i will go out!!!

i miss LJ. im bout to use this shit all the time now. i like being able to vent and use more than 140 characters. right? haha. i feel great today. let's keep it that way. I am working on getting my job back at the Q. need that for sure. If that doesn't work out i'm gonna be annoyed. so yeah, fo sho. just chillin. i had something to say but i forget.....


peace.

Yeeeeah and i haven't updated this thing in a hot second. time to throw some shit out there. I'm really happy that i decided to come home from Disney on Ice. it was so much bullshit. i made 200 dollars and i worked 60 hours. those assholes. slave wage dicks. actually, it wasnt even hourly at all, all commission. i suggest no one ever do that job. Also, the only good thing in Toledo is the Zoo. I didn't even get to go see that either because i was so busy slaving for Disney. I'm happy for everyone else who is out there making fat cash with them but i happened to get on a SHIT tour and i wasn't about to take any more crap. i take enough B.S. as it is. Happy to be home, thats all i can say. i miss everything here.

"Paranoia"
BY: Swollen Members

(Chorus)
It's all in your head, you need to unwind
Your losing your grip, the paranoia never ends
It's all in your head, what you see in your mind
There's no reason to trip, the paranoia never ends

(Mad Child)
Sometimes I stare at the wall when I'm alone in my room
I'm an abusive reclusive like Dr. Doom
Parts of darkness descend and consume me
You wont believe the gloomy thoughts that run through me
I'm proof 20 minutes but if you spend the night
Leave the next day like "I don't think his heads on right"
Try to talk to myself but I don't listen
I've got split personalities and competition
And which one's a man that I... I've got issues
I could be standing in front of your face and I'm not with you
Schizophrenia, Shane's brains distorted
Sort of compulsive, obsessive, disorder
Mathematical pattern addict of depraved mind
Before I go to bed I hit the light switch seven times
Yes, um, never mind, put the knife back
Mad Child I'm outta my mind, but I'll be right back

(Chorus)

(Prevail)
There's no one behind you, there's no one beside you
There's no one beside you, you know as well as I do
There's no voice inside you, that shadow isn't moving
You must be losing to confusion having illusions
Still you wanna prove it, paranoia
That someone might be coming for you, no ones trying to kill you stupid
There's no Norman Bates, peeking in your window
There's no Patrick Bateman trying to pick you up in limos
You pop another pill, to try and calm your nerves
But prescriptions make the descriptions a lot worse
Your seeing red bursts, and then your head hurts
You should have checked under the bed first
Crawling on all fours, locking all the doors
You must have flown over the cuckoos nest and lost your course
I thought I told ya, don't let that shit control ya
'Cause paranoia will destroy ya just a lesson for ya

(Chorus x2)

(Moka Only)
When your mind is acting wild
And you swear your insane
Can't nothing help you out
Of this trap your in
You don't know which way to turn
And your head is in pain
Can't nothing help you out
Of this insanity
Yo it's paranoia in your brain cell
You think the worlds looking at you but you can't tell
You need to find yourself a hobby or something and stop frontin'
Nobody's out to get you, nobody wants nothin'
I think you got a chemical imbalance
When theres silence, you swear you hear cops and their sirens
Maybe it's a different environment that you need
But whatever it is, your minds dying to be free
Your trying to perceive with the usual procedures
Your chests feeling tight, you think your having seizures
Maybe your just trying to hard to fit in
You need to let that shit go and get counselling my friend

(Chorus)

The paranoia never ends, the paranoia never ends.

Got a job offer that I can't take because my car is broken. It's for pizza delivery. I have to say no because my car isn't working? that sucks so much. I can't even begin to explain how stupid this is. Also, I can't go back to school until I get a job. That's the worst news ever. How did I get to this low of a point in my life? I can't go to school or find work because my dumb ass car has a broken strut. There isn't a thing I can do about it. It's such a negative feeling. I am sick of negative feelings all the time. I guess I just feel fucked over somehow. Maybe I did it to myself, maybe not. Either way it's not how I should be living my life. Maybe I just need to really get away, but how? I've got my friends and family here but no way to better myself.

There is nothing positive about the position i'm in right now. Everything seems to be a waste of my time. I can't keep a job for the life of me and I am always out of money. Scratch that, i have 1 dollar. Oh joy. Now I just have to remember not to spend it all in one place. What the hell am I going to do now? All I do is fill up space in my parents house. I am damn sure they want me out of here. Probably just as much as I want to be out. Everything feels so negative, even when I am hanging out with my friends I have no confidence. Whatever, here's to wasting the rest of my life.

I've finally realized that my friends aren't what they used to be. They used to care about every little thing and now it seems like things are fading. It isn't something I am upset about or anything, I just know now that they don't see me the same way they used to. That's fine though because maybe it is time to move on. Certain things are even upsetting about it. I feel like a couple of them have just been so damn shady or they just drop off the face of the planet. I shouldn't have to wait forever for you to come hang out, I am your friend. I should be a priority and not just one of your stops a long the way of whatever YOU want to do. So to say the least, I am not going to be making an effort to come hang out. I no longer feel invited and therefore my decision is made.

techfest was so sweet this weekend. Too bad I got pulled over on the way, i hadn't even left my area, i was at 13 and hayes area. Fuck fraser cops, especialle officer poole and his fuckin motorcycle. he is a big fucking tool. They also had a dog search my car and it's alllll scratched to hell plus the hole in my leather seats. I hate those douchecaps. I think ill file a complaint to the fraser police dept. sounds like a good plan.

It seems like i'm starting to get back into the game because i am regaining my confidence. I really miss having someone, and it's time to make that change.

so today i am feeling slightly empty. Not sure why but it's ok. Lately I've been getting myself outside more and have found it very pleasant. I like being out in the sun, among other things. I feel so secretive sometimes with it. Will I ever be healed enough to do something about it? I can only wait and see. Hopefully I can get up the courage to do what I necessarily need to do. Open up, find someone, become whole. That's the basic process right? Not so easy. I can turn my life around.

i can't trust my family anymore. that's good to know.

don't leave your money lying around my family. ever. that's a lesson learned. I had all of my money (it wasn't very much mind you) stashed in my dresser and i set it there yesterday. I come to look for it today to realize that someone has stolen all of my money. There is nothing I can do about it because I have no proof. I should always leave my shit locked up or on me. i am so pissed off and hurt right now that all I want to do is physically hurt someone. I seriously just want to deck the motherfucker who took my stuff. i just don't understand how someone can be such of piece of shit.